The Blogging Affairs Desk

When It’s Good, It’s Good, When It’s BAD, It’s Better…

More Unmailed Letters!

While scouting around Jim’s desk we here at IJS came across more angry correspondence from Jim to various members of the community at large.  Before he could send them out, we decided to print them here.  We hope you enjoy!  -ed.

To:  Joaquin Phoenix

Hey Dick Bag,

I don’t know what your deal is lately, but you’re acting like a massive cunt.  Is it a publicity thing or did your neck throw up a giant hairball?.  In case you didn’t know, no one really buys this charade you’re putting on, this Howard Hughes-esque masquerade if you will.  You’re just an asshole with a chip on his shoulder.

You say you want to retire from acting and pursuit a career in hip-hop?  Wait, hold on, lemme get this straight:  a 40-something year old white guy with a beard and a love of wearing sunglasses indoors other than Rick Rubin wants to get into hip-hop?  You must be in some serious debt to whoever delivers whatever drugs you’re taking because that makes about as much sense as a guy who gets car sick deciding he wants to drive for NASCAR.

Retire already ass clown, you’re movies are pretty much useless.  I couldn’t stand you in “Gladiator” and you were one dimensional in that crap rag “Signs.”

And don’t get me started with the “The Village.”

Obviously your dead brother River still has more talent than you do.

Respectfully yours,
James.

To:  The Guy Working The Early Shift at The Hess Gas Station on North Street

Sir,

Let’s me and you get something straight right now:  You work at a gas station/convenience store on Cape Cod and you’re old enough to be virtually harmless.  Based on this, I don’t want to have to be forced to crack a baseball bat over your simple gray head because you constantly refuse to turn on the fucking pumps in the morning due to your blithering ineptitude.

Hey, life didn’t give you a million dollars to convert into change and allow you to swim through like Scrooge McDuck – I understand, it’s shitty.  But your station in life is to man the fucking little switches by the cash register and Massachusetts Lottery machine and display of Five Hour Energy Drink.  When it starts beeping, flip the goddamn switch so I can pump my gas and be on my way.

Maybe you don’t realize this but there are people who have to commute to work at ungodly hours because their office is more than an hour away.  It’s also fucking freezing outside, if you hadn’t noticed; so me standing at the pump, leaning against my truck, squeezing and squeezing the handle while I watch the little LED display read out say “Awaiting Pump Authorization” because you’re diddling cigarette packs out back or just plain taking a shit in the bathroom, is incredibly irksome to the point where I may put a size 9.5 Timberland boot up your paste-colored ass.

I have dainty feet, and believe me, they will fit up a motherfucker’s ass.

The next time I’m forced to wait for you to do your goddamn job, I’m going over the counter, switching the pump on by myself and then laying down a pool of gasoline in the parking lot and setting that bitch on fire.  Do you’re fucking job old man and we can avoid any unnecessary violence.

Sincerely,
The Guy With the Scarf and the Black F-150 that Hates Your Guts Twice a Week at 0530 in the Morning, and You Know It.

To:  The Guy With The Cottage For Rent.

Dude,

Seriously, I called you like four separate times, and emailed you twice, once from my work email and another from my gmail account.  I, rather, we were really interested in that cute cottage out in Eastham.  I saw the pictures online, I saw it had a little woodstove, and the price was right.

So why did it take you over a week to get back to me?

I don’t know how you do business; maybe this is status quo for you, but as far as I’ve figured, especially in this economy, you’d think realtors and landlords would be scrambling to get people to see their places for rent.  I mean, over a week bro, and when you called, you sounded like it was a huge hassle for you to show the place.

I quote:  “Well, I need to know if you want to see the place right now.  I have to drive all the way out from Hyannis to show it and uh, if you’re really interested, I need to know some stuff about you.”

So I answered your stupid questions, what I do for work, what my wife does, will I submit to a credit check, etc.  I told you I’d be there in an hour and you sighed and said something like “it’s not even that nice of a place.  Those photos were taken in the summer when there were flowers and stuff.”

Jesus buddy, are you planning on renting the place before the next coming of Christ or what?

But don’t worry about it, when we spoke I was actually on my way to see another place that I liked a whole lot more, that hopefully we’ll be moving into shortly.  I don’t feel bad one bit for not calling you back to cancel either.

I hope you enjoyed waiting for me as much as I did waiting for you.

Suck my dick,
James.

To:  The Host of Cash Cab

Dear Media Puppet,

There’s a lot to complain about your show, such as how easy the questions are, how you never leave the borough of Manhattan, how you seem to only pick up tourists on vacation, etc, but there’s one thing I’d like to complain about, and it’s you, sir.

First off, you’re a terrible host.  You try to play up the drama with your unsuspecting tits of fares by acting like they got a question wrong when everyone in the world knows they got it right.  You also try to act like some sort of sketchy old man when fares first enter your cab, which makes no sense at all, because I doubt that A) you’re readily recognizable to anyone and B) typically people entering cabs aren’t paying much attention to the driver, just so long as he’s not one of those weird black people that “probably have an accent.”

And back to the questions:  They are insanely easy and yet all over the place.  You’ll ask like twelve third grade-level geography questions and then slam the unsuspecting bastards with something obscure out of a college lit appreciation class.

Ugh, is Man Verses Wild on any time soon?

Taking The Next Cab,
James.

I’m just saying…

Advertisements

February 13, 2009 Posted by | Corporate America Hates You, Gay Shit I Know Too Much About, Living in an Insane Asylum, Out and About, People I Hate | , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

The NYC I Wanted to Remeber

I just got done reading Matt Gross’s “Frugal Traveler” article in this morning’s NYT.  It makes me wish I had 600 bucks to burn.

Read it here!

I’m just sayin….

October 12, 2008 Posted by | Out and About | , | Leave a comment